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Silliness as Intimacy
"A mark of true intimacy," writer Sam Parker observes, "is feeling safe to be silly. To let the face you prepare for the people you meet slip and your playful, weird or even slightly pathetic side show."
Most of life involves being serious. We maintain composure at work, present ourselves carefully to acquaintances, and generally keep our goofier impulses in check. Silliness, in this context, is a risky admission—an acknowledgment that much of our adult behavior is performance, and that underneath it all, as John Updike put it, we're all just "playing grown up."
Having kids breaks those barriers down. Suddenly, you have not just permission but a solemn duty to be silly. And that silliness? It's not frivolous—it's one of the most important things you can do for your child's emotional well-being and your relationship with them.
"One of the best things about being a parent is having a solemn duty to be silly. This thought makes me happier and more excited than anything else I can picture in my future."
— From "The Good Father" newsletter
The Science of Silliness
What even is silliness in relation to children? It's not quite the same as using baby talk, which can be one-directional and take many tones. Rather, silliness is a form of play that is attuned, responsive, and creative. It's about meeting your child in their world of imagination and playfulness, letting go of your adult seriousness for a few minutes.
The American Academy of Pediatrics released a comprehensive paper called "The Power of Play" that distilled decades of research into one clear message: unstructured, playful interactions—including silly ones—are essential for child development.
Research That Proves Silliness Matters
- The 15-Minute Magic: Research on anxious preschoolers found that just 15 minutes of free, playful interaction reduced anxiety by half—more effectively than adult reassurance or calm storytelling.
- Lower Stress for Everyone: Studies measuring cortisol levels show that child-led play sessions result in lower biological stress markers and improved behavior throughout the day.
- Breaking Threat Mode: Child trauma expert Bruce D. Perry emphasizes that silly play helps kids break out of stress states and "threat mode"—that heightened alertness and anxiety that keeps their nervous system on edge.
How Silliness Builds Connection
Psychologist Lawrence J. Cohen, author of Playful Parenting, argues that laughter and shared silliness create a training ground for managing big feelings. When kids engage in silly, imaginative, or playful interactions, they're re-framing stressors in a low-threat context.
Think about it: when your child is upset about something, making a silly face or using a funny voice can help them shift from an anxious, defensive state to one of openness and connection. You're not dismissing their feelings—you're helping them access those feelings in a way that feels safe.
It Relieves Your Stress Too
As one father wrote: "Over Christmas, my partner and I had some argument or other and I took our daughter out for a walk to cool off. Before I'd reached the end of the road, making a silly face that she repeated back to me and singing silly songs to lighten 'her' mood had washed the tension from my shoulders completely."
It Gives You Permission to Be Yourself
Being silly with your kids is one of the few socially acceptable contexts where adults can truly let loose. That freedom—to make weird noises, have ridiculous dance parties, or talk in funny voices—isn't just good for your child. It's therapeutic for you too.
Practical Ways to Embrace Silliness
If you're not naturally silly, or if years of adulting have made you self-conscious about goofing around, here are some ways to ease in:
Start Small
You don't have to become a comedian overnight. Start with exaggerated facial expressions, funny voices, or silly sound effects. Kids respond to even small doses of playfulness.
Follow Their Lead
When your child does something silly, match their energy instead of shutting it down. Laugh with them, repeat their silly word, or build on their joke.
Make It Physical
Sometimes the silliest moments come from physical play—pretending to be a monster and chasing them around, walking like different animals, or having a dance party in the kitchen.
Use Everyday Moments
You don't need to set aside special "silly time." Brushing teeth, getting dressed, or walking to the car can all become opportunities for playful interaction.
The Long-Term Gift of Silliness
When you're silly with your children, you're teaching them something profound: that it's safe to let their guard down with you. You're building a relationship where they know they can be their full, authentic selves—even the weird, goofy parts.
The evidence is clear: being silly with your kids isn't just fun, it's crucial to their development. And the best bit? Unlike strangers or judgmental adults, your kids will never judge you for giving it a go. They're your best audience, your most enthusiastic supporters, and your partners in creating a relationship built on joy, trust, and yes—silliness.